Taobao Field Guide » relaxation

Male Size-Enhancing Padded Speedos

The Field Guide — Tue, 31 May 2011 04:02:16 +0000

Wait until Dino Beach sees me in this!

Being a season pass holder to Shanghai’s Dino Beach 热带风暴 water park, I am in my bathing suit all summer long. And long ago I shed my baggy American board shorts in favor of the Chinese Speedo. I mean, I don’t want to look uptight in front of everybody.

Problem is, certain areas of my body seem… uptight in my Speedo. Save your cold water jokes. This is no laughing matter.

Ask for the cup size you’d like to be

Are you an expat in China who still wears your baggy board shorts to go swimming? You might as well wear a T-shirt while you are at it, Mr. Shy!

Shed your old fashion habits and embrace the modern Chinese swimsuit. Just be sure to give yourself this secret advantage.

Buy it on Taobao, the judgement free zone.

The Male Size-Enhancing Padded Speedo ~53rmb

Want a Healthy Brain? Just Massage It

The Field Guide — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:37:32 +0000

How can you massage the brain?

You are right to be suspicious. Your brain is covered in a protective shell. That’s nature’s way of saying “no massage here, please.”

But scientists laugh in the face of nature

There is a very clever way to massage the brain: just go through the eyes.

I know what you’re thinking: that massive cord should not go to my eyes. That is danger. Don’t worry – I am pretty sure that the cord is filled with air. This is an air massager, not a full-on vibrating massager. It has a heat function too.

Not only for the Brain

While the lead feature is ‘Brain Health’, this is a full head-relaxation system. Your eyes will also enjoy this air massage, and you will probably look better too. This one is probably best used if you are going to do some Jedi training. Wear this as a blindfold, and have a friend throw tennis balls to you.

The Eye/Brain Massager – 140rmb

China is Noisy – Buy Earplugs

The Field Guide — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:06:43 +0000

Noise violations

Every time I hear the painful metal screeeeeee of a bicycle with bad brakes, I start to wonder how the person riding the bike can stand hearing that sound every time they stop.

Well, unless you hit the streets with a bicycle brake kit and start offering free repairs, the plague of screechy bikes is likely to continue. As will CNY fireworks, cranked up intercom systems, and jackhammers. Endless jackhammers. If you don’t protect your ears, you could go insane.

Fluffy foam protection

Get yourself a big handful of these foam earplugs. Don’t just get one pair, get a dozen pair and spread them out. In your bag, at your desk, near your bed. Annoying sounds can attack at any time, and only the best-prepared among us will survive with our sanity intact. Earplugs on Taobao should cost you a few kuai per pair.

Earplugs - 隔音耳塞