What do brain pills do?

After developing a suspicion that there is something defective with my brain, I have recently been taking supplements to help improve my memory. The mission of these pills is not so much to give you super memory, but rather to fill in any gaps in your nutrients that may be preventing your brain from firing on all cylinders. They are filled with B vitamins, DHA and niacin. 

Here are some brain pills on Taobao.

In the US, vitamins and pills are beyond suspicion. You can go to any Wal-Mart or Target and buy a bottle of any kind of supplement for about $6.  For this reason, I always assumed that most vitamins are cheap to produce. 

But in China, its a completely different situation.  People are very suspicious of vitamins and supplements. Vitamins are assumed to be fake unless they have a big fat “Made in the USA” sticker. Even better if the package is branded with an American flag or eagle. 

Get yourself an American flag, and you’re in business. Putting kids on the package is a good indicator of safety as well. Check out this fabulous product:

Youth’s Hyper – 33rmb. This is probably a pretty good choice if your child is lazy. All of these pills are meant to help the brain. And I do not recommend any of them.

Like I said at the start, I did buy some interesting pills to help memory. They said ‘Made in the USA’ on them, but an Internet search revealed that they are probably from Vietnam. I have now taken an entire bottle, 30 days worth.  They are not poison, but I do not notice any difference in my memory. 

And that’s probably what makes health supplements such an attractive thing to fake. You really can’t notice any difference either way. 

Does anybody have any suggestions to help me improve my brain?

Related: Taobao Partners with Chinese FDA

How can you massage the brain?

You are right to be suspicious. Your brain is covered in a protective shell. That’s nature’s way of saying “no massage here, please.” 

There is a very clever way to massage the brain: just go through the eyes.

I know what you’re thinking: that massive cord should not go to my eyes. That is danger. Don’t worry – I am pretty sure that the cord is filled with air. This is an air massager, not a full-on vibrating massager. It has a heat function too. 

While the lead feature is ‘Brain Health’, this is a full head-relaxation system. Your eyes will also enjoy this air massage, and you will probably look better too. This one is probably best used if you are going to do some Jedi training. Wear this as a blindfold, and have a friend throw tennis balls to you.

The Eye/Brain Massager – 140rmb

Scandal!

Taobao has instituted a site-wide ban on products that are sold on TV(中文). This comes after the expose TV program ‘315 night show’ revealed that the Study Pillow - the pillow that makes you smart – might not actually work as described in their TV commercial. 

After close consideration, I think that this product probably/definately does work. Just check out all this science:

That’s science! I recognize science when I see it. And that is definitely science. Do you want further proof that this is completely real science? Check this out:

That’s right. It’s a foreign expert. China recently banned the use of fake experts in TV ads, but that ban doesn’t seem to have stuck too well. And who can blame the advertisers? Who is going to buy any product without a foreign expert behind it?

This weekend I saw one for a product that helps people stop smoking. It was a mouth spray that made cigarettes taste bad. If it managed to make Chinese cigarettes taste worse than they already are, it really is a miracle product.

To prove that smoking really is bad for you, they put two mice in a box filled with concentrated smoke from 60 cigarettes. Surprise! The mice died. The in-studio audience was shocked at this development and gave an audible gasp.

Animal lovers in the US would probably get pretty pissed if they saw that happen. But if it convinces someone to stop smoking, then those mice are going to mousey heaven. Like little rodent versions of Yul Brenner giving a stop-smoking message from beyond the grave. 

You can still find them on Taobao, for a limited time. The Study Pillow - 235rmb.  Update: its been taken down. And if you try to search for 学习枕 you will be redirected to the general shopping portal. 

If you want to see a wacky Chinese TV ad in motion, check out this recent post on Mark’s China Blog.

Well, it’s basically an Encyclopedia interface. Instead of equipping kids with real life skills of how to use Wikipedia, the idea is to filter all that info through a non-standard keyboard and a one-line monochrome display. 

I think the primary market for this thing is confused grandparents. Gramma sees this on the back of a Reader’s Digest and decides that little Tyler here would love it. “Well, its just like those video games that he’s always playing, but this one is educational!” I hope it comes with a birdcage-style cover, because there is no way Tyler will ever fall asleep with those dead eyes constantly staring at him. 

Hell no! Zero transactions on this product. The Chinese description says that any child who sees it will have a smile in their heart. I think my Chinese character-recognition must be rusty. It’s either ’smile’ or ‘pants-crapping terror.’ 

Not recommended. 

Brian the Brain – 1420rmb