I’m still fat

I am the subject of an increasing number of belly pokes recently. Friends, colleagues, and girlfriend laobanniang all seem to think it is funny to point out my fatness. What’s worse, my recent attempts to lose weight via peculiar Chinese products has flat-out failed.

My fellow Americanos may not be the fittest bunch, but we do have some advanced fitness products. I have heard some great things about P90X, a 12-DVD set that promises to get you into Terminator-fighting shape.

Look at that! Awesome!

To be able to fully take advantage of the P90X system, I need to get some stuff from Taobao.

Since the program is done at home, the user needs to have dumbbells (usually 15s, 20s, and 25s) and a pull-up bar, or else a resistance band, for strength training exercises, along with a sturdy chair. Optional equipment includes a yoga mat for the abdominal and yoga portions, push-up handles … and a heart rate monitor for the cardio workouts.

I am going to get the stuff in bold, skipping the weights in favor of resistance bands.

Just hook this one on the door frame and presto! Another place to hang clothes!

Pull-up bar – 43rmb

These glorified rubber bands cost a bit, but go for ones that look capable so you don’t lose an eye doing your curls.

Resistance band set – 70-100rmb

The yoga mat market seems to be unfairly directed towards women. Modern men need these ones too. They suggest a thick one to maintain tail bone comfort.

Yoga mat – 230rmb

You can get traditional I-shaped ones, or if you prefer your push-ups more perfect, try the rotating versions. Same price.

Push-up handles – 20rmb

I expected these to be cheaper on Taobao. For a heart rate monitor that straps to your wrist, expect to pay at least 100rmb. There are finger spot-check models for cheaper, but I am serious about my fitness.

Heart-rate monitor – from 138rmb

Total cost

All-in we spent about 500rmb on all this stuff. Plus some shipping, which we mitigated by buying some of the things together form the same Taobao Sellers. That is quite a price to pay – but anything to avoid those pesky belly-pokes.

I must confess. My custom-slim-fit fabric market shirts are struggling to endure the fatty disaster that I have become. I will have a New Year’s resolution to lose the fat – so that I may announce on my lovematch.com profile that my body type is once again ‘athletic.’

Exercise is not my preferred method of losing fat.  Exercise is for poor people, and I am not poor. I will use my incredible wealth to buy a fat-loss solution. Let’s explore.

The Losing Fat Belt

Most shops that carry the Losing Fat Belt announce proudly that it is a genuine product (100%正品).  If you are concerned that the Losing Fat Belt that you are buying is not a genuine Losing Fat Belt, I insist that you lighten up. Zing!

Losing Fat Belt – 200rmb

Proving that the animated GIF is the sexiest of all GIFS, this product posting for fat-burning cream nearly make me break my vow against exercise.

A-ok Eliminate Fat Cream – 58rmb

After my failed experiment with brain pills, I am not eager to try another janky supplement. But O-FAT has a compelling promise: to eliminate current fat, and prevent new fat from settling in. With physiological effects like that, what can go wrong?

O-FAT – 100RMB

What are you waiting for? Buy the whole trifecta and enjoy the new you!

To get the full Wii experience, you will want to pick up the Wii Fit Balance Board. I tried it for the first time this past weekend, and I really liked it.  Besides zany minigames like Hula Hoop, Wii Fit focuses on nuanced movement with balance and yoga exercises.

The mood of these new Nintendo products is a step into the future. The clean white designs and gentle prompts are like some 2001: Space Oddessy vision of how we will someday exercise in our space pods.

When I was in 4th grade, my teacher turned me into a slave for gold-star stickers.  I was skipping recess and cleaning the overhead projector for those stickers. Skipping recess, dude. Nintendo pulls some similar psychological tricks to incite your gold-sticker addiction. But they employ these nefarious tactics to remind you not to skip recess.

Wii Fit encourages you to play for short periods every day. You get a stamp on the calendar when you finish your daily activities, and a chart to show your progress. The drive to get today’s stamp is just enough to overcome the inertia that kills most exercise plans within the first week.

The balance board accessory is a really nice-looking and sturdy machine. Most of the ones available on Taobao come with the Wii Fit game disc in traditional Chinese. But you should have a local shop that will be able to provide English editions of this and most other games. Accessory compatibility is not a problem on the Wii, and this Balance Board will be compatible with the Wii console we wrote about earlier.

Get Wii Fit on Taobao - 658rmb