A little while ago, we went undercover for the Terror Drome to scope out some freekin sweet GI Joe action figures, which had leaked out on Taobao ahead of their official release date. This is our favorite kind of story, so we were excited to see Transformers nerds find some of their own precious cargo hit the interwebs.

According to the toy nerds: this new specimen is no ordinary action figure, but a deluxe class action figure based on the Transformers 2 movie.  The robot is identified as Ironhide who –  if I remember correctly from the movie –  spazed out shot lasers and stuff.

That badass robot you see will change its appearance – some may say transmorph – into this cool truck. That is truckin’ rad!

I really wish that Taobao was the source of more of these kinds of leaks. You never know – there may be brand-name prototype floor mops and umbrellas being leaked all the time, but without the investigative power of a rabid fan base to uncover them. Thanks to the meganerds at Tformers.com for bringing these things to light!

More than meets the eye – 600rmb

So Deep

It all started when these grainy images surfaced on Taobao.

“It’s the new Storm Shadow,” they told me. “Top secret prototypes.” I couldn’t believe it, but it had to be true. “Whatever it is, we have to go in and verify these details. This is too dangerous to ignore.”

It was bad news. ”You don’t mean…”

“That’s right,” said the Hiss Commander. “You have to go undercover.” 

I would have to go deep into enemy territory to get answers. The Hiss Commander pointed at a spot on the map. “You start here, where the images were first discovered.”

It looked like an impenetrable fortress. “How big is the team?” I asked. 

“You’re it,” said the Hiss Commander. “We will send a gunner in with you to help pilot the boat, but you go in alone.” Going in from the water was suicide, but the Commander let me know with his menacing gaze that it was non-negotiable.  ”Don’t mess this one up,” he added, slapping me on the back.

We set off in the boat, just the two of us. The gunner didn’t speak. I would be dead in a matter of hours anyways, so what’s the use in making friends? The boat itself was one of the worst in our arsenal. Noisy and unreliable. Not ideal for a supposedly stealth mission like this.

“Are you clear about the extraction point?” I yelled back over the sound of the motor. The gunner just looked at me, and back at the open water. “Two clicks south of the …” I cut myself off. He was not going to bother going to the extraction point. This was a one-way mission and everybody knew it.

We saw them in the distance and immediately killed the motor to stop the noise. I was sure they had heard us already. Behind me, I heard the gunner preparing to engage. 

We were both quiet, and as our motor’s roar faded from our ears, we heard another sound. It sounded like chainsaws in the distance, or some huge machine. Maybe it had covered the sound of our approach.

Impossibly, the enemy boat drifted past without incident. “They didn’t hear us,” I breathed a sigh of relief, looking back at my gunner. His hands were held tight, ready to pull the trigger. 

“You get out here.” It was the only thing he said.

The swampy water provided good cover, but also slowed my progress. I swam for at least an hour before I saw the base perimeter.  I slipped by two more passing patrol boats without incident before coming up near the shore.

Observing from the safety of the water, I formulated a plan. The base was heavily defended, but the bridge leading out was not. I would only have to wait for my target to emerge. 

I waited, and waited, and waited for the target to appear.

My feet sank into the swamp floor, and I had to keep moving to be sure I would not be stuck when he finally appeared.

Then, he finally appeared. And i pounced.

The struggle was brief, and I soon had him pinned. Time to get answers. 

Me: Who is he!

Him: I don’t know!

Me: You know! Tell me!

Him: Alright, alright! It’s Storm Shadow! 

Me: How did you get him?

Him: We all have our… channels….

That was all I needed to hear. I hit him in the head and pushed him off the bridge to the crocs waiting below. 

“See ya later, alligator.”

Top Secret Prototype GI Joe Figures on Taobao – 500rmb

Big thanks to the Terror Drome and their badass collection of GI Joe action shots. Photo credits to Trench-Viper, Darklon, ThinkTank, Scarrviper and quozl, via JoeDios.com 

In fact, your Chinese friends might already be aware of Monopoly. You can find Monopoly game boards all over China for very low prices. Here is a cheap Chinese-language Monopoly board for just 14rmb. Playing in Chinese should not be too difficult, since you are probably already well familiar with the rules. It may even provide you with a great chance to learn some new Chinese words.

But the Chinese location names do feel a little bland in the Chinese edition.  So you may also want to consider this rad Nintendo-themed Monopoly board, which is a nice upgrade at only 22rmb. (Update: I can’t find it now! But there are a ton of other Monopoly variations to be found here.)(Second update – found it! Thanks to commenter uHeaven)

At the very least, you should pick yourself up a deck of UNO cards. Chinese people should already be familiar with UNO and it is a great alternative to the super-boring 80-fen card games which seem to be the Chinese default. Or try this exciting UNO / Jenga mashup for less than 40rmb.

If you are serious about getting your UNO skills in order, you will want 400g-weight cards. That’s what all the pros use. And if you show up at a tournament with some tiny little 300g cards, you are gonna get seriously clowned. So don’t even step with that lightweight stuff. Check this guy out for the real skinny on fat UNO decks.

No reason not to buy a couple to stash around the house for a quiet little Friday night at home with friends, or to use as an emergency birthday gift. Now, can anybody find some reasonable dominos on Taobao? You know, the good ones. With the ball bearings.

Dominos - 多米诺

Serious Nerd-Bait

My friends introduced me to Settlers of Catan recently. It is some serious nerd fun. Rolling dice, gathering resources. Strategically building a road to nowhere just to block your friend’s road-building ambitions. I liked it a lot, and my Chinese friends became seriously obsessed.

This important fashion update 中文 says that killing-people video games 杀人游戏 are OUT, and board games 桌游 are IN.  Board game lounges are starting to spring up across China.  Among the initiated, these games become an addiction. And since most games require four or more players, they’ll often have to recruit new people into their kabal to continue playing.  This article talks about 12-hour overnight marathon sessions and women who neglect their small children to attend. Nerds be gettin’ out of control. 

If you are familiar with these kind of games, and want to introduce some Chinese friends, you are in luck. Many of the popular games, such as Catan come in Chinese.  So you can toss them the instruction manual and not have to worry about any late-stage “oh, that’s how you play” realizations. You will also be able to find boards in English or German. 

This guy offers 125 different board games. Most of them appear to be original German editions. Germany is, appearantly the origin of this brand of nerding. If you are looking for something specific, just search for it by name, and add 英, 中 or 德 to filter by language.

Settlers of Catan in English – about 300rmb

Board Games - 桌游

Rouge R&D scientists are sneaking out top-secret Crimson Strike Team prototypes and selling them on the international black market. How? You guessed it: Taobao.

In anticipation of the upcoming GI Joe live-action movie, Rise of the Cobra, toy-collector supernerds are keeping track of any potential development on the action-figure scene. And they have found some interesting leads on Taobao. First in early February, there were sightings of new action figures for the new movie. The action figures were in-packaging and looked very clean and legit. Toy manufacturer Hasbro since asked that those images be removed from their fan website. That’s a pretty good indicator that they were the real deal.

Now another figure has appeared that fans are speculating is a vintage-themed repaint of a figure from GI Joe’s Crimson Strike Team. I found that info on TheTerrorDrome.com, which is what I was going to call TaobaoFieldGuide before I discovered that the name was already taken.  The entire GI Joe universe seems to be full of great names.

If you are a fan of awesome guides, you can also check out their tutorials on how to boil the paint off your GI Joe’s for customizing, or cutting up the hands to get more articulation out of the fingers. These just seem like a good excuse to play out torture scenarios with your little toy friends. What sickos!

Is Taobao a not-so-secret conduit between rogue toy factory R&D staff and rabid superfans?

In 1985, there was a little robot buddy in every movie. Not just Star Wars and Short Circuit. Movies like Rocky 4 had a robot. My 4-year-old mind started making plans.

When I got my robot, what would we do together? We’d probably practice tons of kung-fu or something. Maybe I’d get two robots: one to stop trouble.. and one to make trouble.

But robots are still totally sweet. This mindless walking robot at 300rmb is probably my favorite.

If you think that you are man enough to hang with a badass robot that can get you a beer from your refrigerator, check out this 1700rmb monster. Warning: extensive assembly and programming knowledge required.  

This one is pretty sweet too. It has colored buttons for some reason.

If you don’t think you can hang with a badass robot, you can get this lame little walking robot for about 80rmb.

If you want something that is not quite as rad as the monster, but not quite as lame as the bug, you can check out more robots here.