Wait until Dino Beach sees me in this!

Being a season pass holder to Shanghai’s Dino Beach 热带风暴 water park, I am in my bathing suit all summer long. And long ago I shed my baggy American board shorts in favor of the Chinese Speedo. I mean, I don’t want to look uptight in front of everybody.

Problem is, certain areas of my body seem… uptight in my Speedo. Save your cold water jokes. This is no laughing matter.

Ask for the cup size you’d like to be

Are you an expat in China who still wears your baggy board shorts to go swimming? You might as well wear a T-shirt while you are at it, Mr. Shy!

Shed your old fashion habits and embrace the modern Chinese swimsuit. Just be sure to give yourself this secret advantage.

Buy it on Taobao, the judgement free zone.

Bad karma on the eCommerce interwebs?

While buying stuff on Taobao is the ideal, perfect form of human activity, it is not without its pitfalls. Taobao shops out-of-stock on your treasure, kuaidi delivery guys calling you from the wrong address, and dreadful browser security plugins…

Such things happen to all unenlightened humans occasionally. And sometimes they happen all at once. When you find that your luck is on a particularly bad streak, it might be a karma problem.

Bookmark this Taobao shop for when you are having one of those days. Place an order with the Mahayana Buddhist Temple in Hangzhou and they will light a candle for you for Buddha to gaze upon in contemplation of your karma.
Link the name to the shop

For only 10rmb a day you can get a special Buddha candle lit for you. I know what you’re saying… one day won’t be enough to fix this mess! Well you’re in luck. They also offer a year-long package for a special price of 1,800rmb. So much good fortune at such a low price! They are practically giving it away.

It’s such a sweet deal at 10rmb a day. Why wouldn’t you do it?

Have a Chinese Buddhist Temple Light an Auspicious Candle for you – 10rmb

Mankind has almost won its war against metal keys. Flat, pocket-friendly cards now grant me access to my apartment and office. And with the multi-use jiaotong transit card, we have even replaced car keys. Today, I have only one necessary key in my life – the key to my front door.

Until we upgrade our apartments to hotel-style key locks, we will have to live with this uncomfortable hunk of metal in our pockets. But we can take this key and put it where the rest of our old keys have gone: our wallet.

The Porter 819 wallet. This wallet has room for all your cards and money, and a keychain built right into it.

Porter, a Japanese brand, is certified practical man-fashion. Like so many things in Japan it is ahead of its time and made for the good of all man.

I must confess. My custom-slim-fit fabric market shirts are struggling to endure the fatty disaster that I have become. I will have a New Year’s resolution to lose the fat – so that I may announce on my lovematch.com profile that my body type is once again ‘athletic.’

Exercise is not my preferred method of losing fat.  Exercise is for poor people, and I am not poor. I will use my incredible wealth to buy a fat-loss solution. Let’s explore.

The Losing Fat Belt

Most shops that carry the Losing Fat Belt announce proudly that it is a genuine product (100%正品).  If you are concerned that the Losing Fat Belt that you are buying is not a genuine Losing Fat Belt, I insist that you lighten up. Zing!

Losing Fat Belt – 200rmb

Proving that the animated GIF is the sexiest of all GIFS, this product posting for fat-burning cream nearly make me break my vow against exercise.

A-ok Eliminate Fat Cream – 58rmb

After my failed experiment with brain pills, I am not eager to try another janky supplement. But O-FAT has a compelling promise: to eliminate current fat, and prevent new fat from settling in. With physiological effects like that, what can go wrong?

O-FAT – 100RMB

What are you waiting for? Buy the whole trifecta and enjoy the new you!