Bill Clinton = James Bond

Bill Clinton just recently dropped into North Korea and pulled some James Bond shit, rescuing those two reporters from prison. Instead of going in secret-agent style, Clinton pulled it off with a handshake. It was a super badass move that got me thinking about Clinton, and the esteem he has in the eyes of the various Asian populations.

Taobao is a pretty good indicator of China’s popular opinion. Searching Clinton 克林顿 in Taobao comes up with two types of products: the ex-President’s autobiography, and condoms.

These condoms first broke on the scene in 2005, and are still a popular brand in China. Although they have some stiff competition from 007-brand condoms.

That pretty much settles it. China’s impression of Bill Clinton is like a super-action Casanova James Bond.

So what do China’s Taobao users think of other recent US Presidents? Let’s type their Chinese names into Taobao and see what comes up.

When you type in the Chinese name of George Bush 布什 into Taobao, you get Crocs.

Thousands of Crocs. They call Crocs “Bush’s Shoes” because of this photo:

We reported on Obama’s 奥巴马 presence on Taobao a couple times before. Since then, a jeweler has adopted the Obama name to represent the classiest of items: diamonds.

Clinton is a brand of condoms

Bond is also a brand of condoms

Crocs are called “Bush’s shoes”

Obama is a brand of diamonds

Glow in the dark makes everything look better 

After you have taken a few classes with the nunchuck master, you should have your nunchuck skills in order. So be sure to show them off in style. Pick up a set of these sweet glowing nunchucks. 

These look like chemical glowsticks. But they’re not – that would only give you a few hours of ninjatime before the chemical glow fades.

Instead they are made with battery-powered LEDs, so you can practice in the dark for hours. I like the Seller’s honesty in describing these. “The workmanship is not perfect, but they’re still not bad.”   

Go thermonuclear with glow-in-the-dark nunchucks - 60rmb

Ants make you stronger

China’s local foods were actually a big part of why Taobao caught on a few years ago. People needed an easy way to buy the local foods that they missed from back home. One such superfood: black ants.

Seems like the best ants come from the Changbai mountains up in the north. I think they go in soup or are crushed up and eaten as pills. Loads of nutrition in these ones. 

What aren’t ants good for?  This Taobao listing says that eating ants can help you with: “renal dysfunction, impotence, premature ejaculation, hair, hair loss, hepatitis B, chronic hepatitis and diabetes.”  But that’s not all, ants also have “anti-inflammatory, analgesic, anti-rheumatism, detoxification, sedation, anti-asthma, and other pharmacological effects.” 

Well here is the knockout punch. Ants can help you with both yin deficiency AND yang deficiency. I don’t know how that is possible.I was under the sad misconception that stuff was either yin or yang. But ants are the killer crossover, the ambidextrous hermaphrodite of yin/yang remedies. 

Black ants - 13rmb

Ants -蚂蚁

How can you massage the brain?

You are right to be suspicious. Your brain is covered in a protective shell. That’s nature’s way of saying “no massage here, please.” 

There is a very clever way to massage the brain: just go through the eyes.

I know what you’re thinking: that massive cord should not go to my eyes. That is danger. Don’t worry – I am pretty sure that the cord is filled with air. This is an air massager, not a full-on vibrating massager. It has a heat function too. 

While the lead feature is ‘Brain Health’, this is a full head-relaxation system. Your eyes will also enjoy this air massage, and you will probably look better too. This one is probably best used if you are going to do some Jedi training. Wear this as a blindfold, and have a friend throw tennis balls to you.

The Eye/Brain Massager – 140rmb

Scandal!

Taobao has instituted a site-wide ban on products that are sold on TV(中文). This comes after the expose TV program ‘315 night show’ revealed that the Study Pillow - the pillow that makes you smart – might not actually work as described in their TV commercial. 

After close consideration, I think that this product probably/definately does work. Just check out all this science:

That’s science! I recognize science when I see it. And that is definitely science. Do you want further proof that this is completely real science? Check this out:

That’s right. It’s a foreign expert. China recently banned the use of fake experts in TV ads, but that ban doesn’t seem to have stuck too well. And who can blame the advertisers? Who is going to buy any product without a foreign expert behind it?

This weekend I saw one for a product that helps people stop smoking. It was a mouth spray that made cigarettes taste bad. If it managed to make Chinese cigarettes taste worse than they already are, it really is a miracle product.

To prove that smoking really is bad for you, they put two mice in a box filled with concentrated smoke from 60 cigarettes. Surprise! The mice died. The in-studio audience was shocked at this development and gave an audible gasp.

Animal lovers in the US would probably get pretty pissed if they saw that happen. But if it convinces someone to stop smoking, then those mice are going to mousey heaven. Like little rodent versions of Yul Brenner giving a stop-smoking message from beyond the grave. 

You can still find them on Taobao, for a limited time. The Study Pillow - 235rmb.  Update: its been taken down. And if you try to search for 学习枕 you will be redirected to the general shopping portal. 

If you want to see a wacky Chinese TV ad in motion, check out this recent post on Mark’s China Blog.

Rouge R&D scientists are sneaking out top-secret Crimson Strike Team prototypes and selling them on the international black market. How? You guessed it: Taobao.

In anticipation of the upcoming GI Joe live-action movie, Rise of the Cobra, toy-collector supernerds are keeping track of any potential development on the action-figure scene. And they have found some interesting leads on Taobao. First in early February, there were sightings of new action figures for the new movie. The action figures were in-packaging and looked very clean and legit. Toy manufacturer Hasbro since asked that those images be removed from their fan website. That’s a pretty good indicator that they were the real deal.

Now another figure has appeared that fans are speculating is a vintage-themed repaint of a figure from GI Joe’s Crimson Strike Team. I found that info on TheTerrorDrome.com, which is what I was going to call TaobaoFieldGuide before I discovered that the name was already taken.  The entire GI Joe universe seems to be full of great names.

If you are a fan of awesome guides, you can also check out their tutorials on how to boil the paint off your GI Joe’s for customizing, or cutting up the hands to get more articulation out of the fingers. These just seem like a good excuse to play out torture scenarios with your little toy friends. What sickos!

Is Taobao a not-so-secret conduit between rogue toy factory R&D staff and rabid superfans?