An Apron of Authority

The number one most important thing about hosting a BBQ is letting everyone know that you are top-dog. To do that, you gotta have an apron. An apron screams “I am the barbeque man, and command respect.”

Your apron should be manly, but shouldn’t take itself too seriously. Like this checkedout brand cookwear.  I’ve Got Crabs Apron – 38rmb

Here is another strong choice. It is in German, and has a beer on it, which conveys all the right messages. Beer is Mien Friend Apron – 28rmb

Don’t pass up on the chef’s hat. It’s only 13rmb.

Make sure your guests know who to go to for meat and who to go to for a freshenup on their mojito. Mojito Lime Apron- 35rmb

If you wanna go for that Screwball Uncle look. That’s good, because that stuff is even cheaper.  Homer Simpson Apron – 15rmb

If you wanna be the Creepy Uncle, aprons are the canvas on which to paint your crazy.  Spencer Gifts Apron – 20rmb … and it only goes downhill from there.

As you put the finishing touches on your big preparations, there is one thing that you should not forget – proper fashion. Because while your guests may remember the meat flavor all week, they will remember that you looked so damn good flippin’ those burgers for much longer.

Okay you have the grill. Now you need the meat. And Taobao is ready to help. Food is huge on Taobao. You can get a bunch of stuff, super cheap. All of these foods come freeze-dried or frozen, and will require cooking. Try to order local – the shops will probably deliver themselves, freezer-to-freezer.

I have no idea how much food costs, and I don’t want to know. When the waitress comes to me with the check at the end of a meal, I don’t look at it. I just give her my card and a wink.

Is 50rmb a good deal for 1kg of chicken wings? I have to assume so.

More Meat

While chicken wings dominate Taobao, there are some other meats to be found. If your favorite Xinjiang street vendor just got pushed off his corner, you can try to imitate at home.

Lamb – 4rmb for 40grams

That steak looks good. It comes pre-flavored with black pepper sauce.

Steak – 120grams for 8.8rmb

Most of these meats come pre-flavored. But for an extra 10rmb, you can buy some spices. Just put them in a small mound next to your bbq and everyone will be impressed.  Touch the surface of the meat as it’s cooking and taste it. Shake your head, take a pinch from the spice mound, and dust it over the meat.

Just type in the brand Jumex and you will find what you need. Everything they make will probably taste good on meat.

And of course, the BBQ. Now I’m living in China without a proper Fourth of July, and I feel like I have full-blown seasonal affective disorder. It’s time to bring the Fourth back in a big way, with a full-on BBQ feast.

There are a ton of BBQ ranges on Taobao, from big ole’ Texas-style Webers, to tiny little pits. We are gonna start from where I assume most of China’s apartment-dwelling expats might be interested.

This one is clean, large and impressive. Suitable for your bigger parties, when you want to be able to serve all your guests at more or less the same time.

The Executive – 400rmb

This blue one is popular and is probably the best value. It is just slightly smaller than the executive, but should work just fine. The Moderate – 100rmb

Now we are getting serious. While this one is small, the fact that it can collapse into a suitcase is a major advantage. It is clean and impressive, but some of your guests will have to wait til round two to get a burger. Suitcase Space BBQ – 550rmb

I think this one will be the most appealing to most of us. It combines the folding convenience of a suitcase grill with a cheap little pricetag. Great for storage and transport, but only average for the actual BBQ experience. Ghetto suitcase BBQ – 135rmb

“At least there is beer”

If you are a total wuss and aren’t even a real man at all, maybe you should stick with something like this. (I have a case of them stashed – don’t tell anyone.)

Disposable BBQ Tin – 15rmb (buy several)

Charcoal – 20rmb/bag or even cheaper. Or if you want to get the certified bbq grilling variety, throw down 32rmb for this instant light charcoal.

If you are looking to add some mesquite flavor to your meats, you are in luck. Taobao has some Mesquite wood chunks – 100rmb

This one is a total mystery. This chemistry-lab looking shit is all I could find. But it comes with a happy description and comes from the same dude who’s selling that instant-light charcoal, so it should be fine. – 12rmb

Don’t look like a chump trying to flip your stuff with chopsticks. A good bbq toolkit will impress everybody. BBQ Tool Kit – 80rmb

Need more? Just type “BBQ” into the magic Taobao Search8 launch center off TFG’s homepage.